Mother’s Day
What a conflicting “holiday” for me. This is the first Mother’s Day since my mother passed away and it feels like there remains unresolved conflict. In many ways I was able to make peace, yet there is still this lingering anger that creeps in. Why did she hurt me so?
What is so frustrating is I know all the answers as to why she caused so many wounds inside of me. I KNOW it, but I don’t yet feel it. She wounded me as a reflection of her own wounds. Those she never healed from her lifetime, and some passed down through the generations.
It's not rational to be angry at this point, but I feel it. And so much grief. Grief for what will never be. That hope that she would see me at some point has to be laid out to rest along with her physical being. Frankly I wanted an apology.
I am grateful for the one experience I had when all the walls inside her came down, when she was too drugged up, and too sick to fight her vulnerability.
“Finding peace and closure may take time.”
She had been living at the Carlton Senior Living Center for almost a year. This particular morning, she was laying in her bed as the morning sun sneaked through the blinds in her room. It was January 2024, 9 months before she took her last breath. At the time though, we thought this was it, that this was going to be her last morning on this earth. She had fallen a few days before and was very weak. The breast cancer was spreading, and her mind was becoming less and less coherent every day.
I held her hand as she was in and out of sleep. At one point, and wow this is still so painful, she lifted her hand and gently caressed my face saying, “my beautiful daughter,” over and over. I looked at her and felt such pain in my whole body. As our eyes connected, we were no longer humans, we were souls exchanging glances, looking deeply into each other.
I saw innocence, love, a little one aching for release from the dungeons of her life. There was a brightness that never shined before. The room luminated with light and a warmth caressed both of us. She continued to touch my face, and our eyes stayed interlocked. The tears fell as I tried to take in what she was saying. Inside of me the battle was to stay in this moment, this was a soul-to-soul connection, but the pain inside of me was breaking me into pieces. This interaction I think speaks volumes for the complexity and bonds between humans. I wish it could have been longer. The pain was so great that I couldn’t hold the connection for very long. Was that my apology?
Mother's Day for me amplifies all these emotions, bringing them to the forefront of my mind. It's a reminder of what was, what could have been, and what will never be. I think it's okay to grieve for what I wished I had, for the apologies I may never receive, and for the complexities of my relationship with my mother.
For those of us with complex relationships with our mothers, finding peace and closure may take time and may involve a journey of self-reflection, forgiveness, and acceptance. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these emotions and seek support from loved ones or a therapist if needed. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to honor them, especially on a day that can stir up so much.